Sunday, November 12, 2006

Jim, You There? Over.

It's strange, but I haven't thought about Jim Baen for more than two months. Actually, not one thought. That's scary, really. I'm on Jim Baen's Bar everyday.

Then today, for no apparent reason, I had this urge to...I dunno, read one of his posts, try to "hear" his voice. I was suddenly and sharply aware, with every fiber of my being, that he was absent from the Bar. I felt silly, the man died several months ago (June 29, 2006) and I never even met him, not really. So why did I suddenly find a little river of liquid seeping out of my eye and down my cheek when I sat there click-clacking away at the search tool on the Web Board, desperately trying to find some post of Jim's, some little joke he'd made, some impatient remark he'd whipped out, some...Jim gems?

And then the bone-deep realization, there aren't ever going to be anymore of them, are there? He's just gone, isn't he?

I thought I already went through this in July. Am I just morbid? Overly sentimental? Easily distracted? All of the above? I can't seem to stop crying again. It was like this in early July--that was when this Rainey/Lacey story started keeping me up at night. I know there's no logical reason to think there's any connection. I never even said one word to anyone about Rainey and Lacey until what, August, later in the summer? After Labor Day even? And to be honest, I don't think I could have designed a story more not Baen Books if I'd set out to do so. This story is just not right for that why do I keep thinking of Jim Baen? Why is this story, why are these characters voices just connecting in my head with him?

I had to laugh at myself as I went to go click the user profile and look, half-expecting to find someone had been logging in with his user or something. Am I insane? As though anyone at Baen Books would let someone log into his account. I'm just spooked. That's all it is. Right? (looks over shoulder) Yeah, okay, maybe getting a little too spooky here :-)


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