Tony Benner, You Gouche Dweeb

I am really having too much fun with the Tuckerizations. Barfly Derek (middle name Anthony) Benner is the next one on stage and apparently, the fictional Derek--excuse me, Tony--has quite the little attitude and no manners. Nor any appreciation whatsoever for the finer things in life. Here's an excerpt from Snippet 18 (coming tonight or early tomorow) where he first hits the stage:

Derek Anthony Benner stepped onto the marble floor at the entrance to the Presidential Suite and decided for the fourth time in three hours, this was not going to work. Charlie's out of his freakin' mind. A five-star hotel. What the hell is he planning to get done in a five-star hotel? I bet they don't even have a backup generator for the suite. Tony looked around and shook his head at the useless luxury of the place. There was no way to work here.

The bell hop with the luggage rack full of computer equipment cleared his throat and Tony stepped to the side to let him pass. "So, this is it, right? I mean this" Tony waved both arms, fluttering his fingers like birds in flight, "this is all there is to the suite? No little office or study or useful little conference room tucked away somewhere?"

The bell hop clearly was uncertain how to answer, but Tony felt certain from the look on the guy's face, no handy-dandy static-free environment was going to pop out of the guy's pocket.

"The two bedrooms and master bath are through--"

"No, no." Tony cut him off. "I don't give a shit about the bedrooms, though good to know where the john is, thanks. I mean, is there somewhere else...some hidden door to a--" He snapped his fingers. The bell hop winced. "How about a conference room on this floor? Is there a place you got for meetings and business stuff? You know, executive suites or something?"

"There are the business suites down on the third floor. I'm sure Mr. Rainford could--"

"Oh yeah? You got a whole floor of business suites? Can we close it off? I mean, what'll it take to rent the whole third floor for the rest of today?"

"I really couldn't say, sir. I don't know if that's possible on such short notice."

Tony rubbed his chin and hummed. Nope, definitely not gonna work. "Oh-kaay. You can just leave those right where they are. I'll take it from here." He waved a hundred euro note towards the doorway.

The bell hop appeared put off enough, he hesitated before taking the tip and then bowed curtly and added, "If there's anything else you need, sir, just--"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll call. Thanks!"

After the door closed, Tony took a quick-paced tour around the L-shaped main area of the suite, nodding at the locations of electrical outlets, frowning at how few and far between they were. He stopped and sat against the edge of the glass dining room table, shoved his hands into his pockets. "Yep. This is gonna suck. Thanks, Charlie. Just shoot me now."